confusion...

So in my last "blog" I alluded to the jumbled mess that is my life as of right now. And I'm thinking that if I have to write it down and chance that others might see it...perhaps, it will help. Maybe it'll hurt...but right now, I'll just go with it and we'll see what comes from it.

I guess the best way to describe my life right now is a standing-retreat. Let me break this down. For the past year, I have had focus. Not so much in the school/life sense, but in planning the March for Life and the Veritas Convention. And now, I realize how much those two things were attachments for me. I centered my life around those things because they brought me the sense of being needed. I used them as excuses for not doing other things---because frankly, I didn' t have time, but maybe I did. Granted, good things came out of both of these events...especially during the March. I was probably under the most stress that I had ever been...yet, I was genuinely at peace because of the people that were right beside me. I know that it was HIM that guided me through it all...for if HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it. But it has now been a month and I'm so far away from peace---hence the standing-retreat.

Here's my attempt to explain this position: Right now I feel like I'm standing in front of a door. The door is open, but not quite enough to let me in...so I keep turning around. But then the door will begin to open more...only to swing back just as I'm putting my foot in it as if to say....(imagine Hugh Grant's character in Love Actually) "ooo, do we really want to do that?". Does this make sense? Probably not.

Anyhow, I guess I just would like to know (and yes, this is directed to the Big Guy upstairs) is when I'm suppose to start pushing on the door. What's the line? Pray as if it all depended on God, Act as if it all depended on you. I know God didn't make me someone who just sits back and lets everyone else do the work...but HE has also always given the opportunities (or an open doors) to act upon.

Basically, I'm just confused and would like an answer. Either slam the door in my face and I'll deal with it or give me the opportunity to walk through the door and I'll deal with whateve comes with that. I feel like I'm ready...but that is probably just my pride speaking.

On the other side of things, I have officially started my job search! It is actually quite interesting seeing the "real world". I went to this 'career workshop' last weekend to find out about the career of a financial advisor. Going in, I thought, "hey, this could be good"...but after leaving...I just felt sleazy. Do I really want to pursue a career that helps people who already have lots of money, get more money? ummm. Nope, I don't. So that's a no-go as far as the job search is concerned. However, I need to find a job that at least pays the bills. I can see myself working for a non-profit organization...but let's face it, that won't pay the rent.

I guess this is yet another doorway that I'm in front of. I went to a talk about balancing your apostolate with your vocation...but obviously, it isn't working for me. I feel like I need to get one taken care of before making decisions on the other one. In other words, I know that I'm suppose to be a wife and mother...and I feel that I'm ready to at least start making strides in this direction---yet, the door is swinging. And then there's my apostolate...is it in the LIFE movement because I feel like I've done a bunch w/ it in the past year...or is it something else, some other passion that I have yet to find...and when the heck is that suppose to come?---yet, another swinging door.

Oh, here's a profound thought: maybe they are both the same door! Oh, wouldn't that make life interesting...or confusing.

All right, I'm sorry for the long post...but that's all I've got for today.

~mitzi